Personal Development Is Not Easy
Read that again. Personal development is hard. A lot of people are always looking for that magic pill that will fix their problems in life. You are that magic pill though.
The first thing that has to happen is that you realize the problem you are having. As I’ve written before, this will generally be a problem that falls under health, wealth, relationships, or a combination of the above. For most people, this is the HARDEST step. No one likes to admit that they are coming up short (or at least shorter than they would like) in some aspect of their lives. Most people are content with staying put in their life and resist change, even though the change (no matter how painful) is what could bring the most positivity and joy into their life!
It doesn’t have to be something that happens in a negative connotation, but I’ve found the most drive and motivation in my personal development efforts when there is a great deal of pain that is making me want to change. Moving towards pleasure in this instance usually isn’t enough. After my P90X and workout experiments of the last 4 months, I’m now around 175-180 on my weight. This change happened because of the immense pain I associated with being fat and out of shape. I felt disgusting, unattractive, and unhealthy. Those factors made me WANT to change so badly that I made it happen.
Now contrast that with the pleasure I feel with being fit and in shape. It is good. I definitely feel better and have positive feelings when people around me comment on how good I look. This is a driving force in my maintaining my results as well. But the memory of the PAIN I had to deal with to get to this point will definitely push me to stay in the gym and coming up with new goals to get in even better shape.
Self improvement works in this way almost always. Evaluate each area of your life. Notice what areas that are lacking give you tremendous pain and that having abundance in would give you great pleasure. If you don’t have any pain, create some for motivation. If you don’t come up with this combination your motivation and drive will suffer for it.
At this stage my fitness is pretty much on cruise control. I know how to eat, I work out regularly, and I spend my time with friends who think and act similarly. Now I am moving my attention to making money online. This is an area that I have spent a lot of time and money in and have not seen the results. I know a big part of that is that I have not taken the steps to implement things that I have learned as efficiently as I could have. It is like a thorn in my side and I now have the PAIN in place to tackle it. I also know how much pleasure I would get from focusing my efforts on the things that I am passionate about and making an income from it.
Personal development is hard folks. I love it because of the challenge, and I have seen seemingly ordinary people do extraordinary things because of consistent effort and a desire to be better. Identify your problem areas and your pain and pleasure motivators, and then go make a plan and implement it. Know, do, and be more in your life in every area.
Embrace The Failure!
Is that title a bit scary?
If you think so, then let me refresh and then reframe you a bit.
I have been stinking it up so far for my goals this year. I have lost money on Adwords doing campaigns for the Arbitrage Conspiracy and Clickbank. I have all but abandoned my exercise and diet program. My relationships with friends and family have come in second as I try to touch all my goals and barely scrape the surface of any of them. I am trying to do too much and by doing that falling into some of the very traps I have warned you about. Things seem to be going bad so far this year right?
Although I get a little discouraged at times, I don’t think so. The very first day I tried out some of the tips from Infomillionaire, I made a sale. Then it happened again the next day. I thought I was awesome. Then from the second sale came my first refund. I was ridiculously disappointed as if somehow I had something to do with someone being unhappy with a product I didn’t create. After a few days of disappointment on spending on ads and getting no sales, I had a breakthrough weekend: 4 sales, and my first 2-sale day. Since then: NOTHING. All things considered, I haven’t even broken even on what I’ve spent for ads on this campaign. But the biggest victory for me is that I have learned how to set up a campaign, and I have made SALES. The psychological barrier of making that first sale online is out of the way for me. Now I just have to continue to tweak and refine how I do things so that my business will go in the other direction and turn profit in this department. Another good note is that I’ve been discussing this business with a friend and he’s turned a couple of affiliate commissions already as well, which makes me happy that I can help someone.
As far as the Arbitrage Conspiracy goes, it’s got a similar theme. I haven’t been able to turn out as many campaigns as I would have liked so far. I have gotten a lot of VALUABLE information from them though. They have made this course very informative so far. I have learned a lot about writing ads and doing research. I can’t wait to see what the coming weeks bring. I have made a grand total of 3 conversions the last time I checked doing this program. NOT a lot. But I believe I can do better.
I feel like I haven’t put my best foot forward and I’m hoping to change all that by focusing a little more on one thing at a time. I’m stretching myself a bit thin between my commitments. In the beginning I thought I’d only play around with the Infomillionaire stuff and focus completely on Arbitrage. That’s what I want to get back to now because after the initial successful conversion rate I wanted to push harder. Now I know it’s the time to draw back and pay a bit more attention where it’s due. Arbitrage will be my biggest focus now.
I also have school to think about. I am back at The University of Phoenix after a brief stint away. I enjoy the classes and I think they really give me some great ideas. I’ve already taken away a few gems from my first week of class I can apply to my business and my life.
I also joined Bally’s Fitness with my wife last night. It will give us some quality time together to grow closer this year and reach our fitness goals in the process.
Why talk about all these mini-failures? I promised I would share my journey with you. I feel like after all these “how to be excellent” articles I’ve written, I should also share the other side of it. There’s a valuable lesson in this though: You have to be able to take the bad with the good, and keep moving FORWARD.
I don’t get too bent out of shape over my failures and setbacks. They are part of the game. If you are really trying to accomplish something, roadblocks will get in your way. It’s inevitable. The thing that will be necessary is to fight through the failure until the only outcome left is success. I truly believe that and that is why I persevere through setbacks, losing money, and spending every waking moment thinking about my goals.
Anybody who is familiar with Arnold Schwarzenegger knows his theory on the “pain period”. If you can push through the pain on your way to a goal, you will not only accomplish it but more than likely blow it out of the water. The thing is that most people move away from pain and/or towards pleasure. It’s the animal condition in all of us. Most successful people embrace pain and failure and realize it’s just a part of the road to success.
Another thing to realize is that through your efforts, you probably haven’t failed as much as you think or even at all. I realize all the little things my efforts have gotten me. My site is starting to get more readers. My SEO efforts have gotten me a Pagerank of 2/10. It was “No Pagerank Available” last year, so not too bad for a part-time blogger! I have learned a lot about the business and continue to do so. I was 220 pounds at one point last year and I am much lighter (around 195) now. My relationships have been through many ups and downs in the last 2 years and right now I feel very blessed to be in the position I am in with the quality of people I have in my life. Even though I am working my butt off to the neglect of those I love sometimes, they are still there for me with support and encouragement.
My message is this: Things are never as bad as they seem. Don’t EVER give up chasing your dreams. Do what you have to do. Refine your processes. Always try to do better, get better, be more. The things that may seem like failures in your life may be successes in more ways than you can realize. A year from now, how will I look back on this post? My best guess is as a step I had to climb to reach another level of success.
Don’t be overwhelmed when looking at the size of the stairwell you will have to climb on the way to your own personal success. No matter how you look at it, you will still have to take it one step at a time. Why not get started?
Don’t be THAT guy!
Every day I drive through Baltimore on my way to or from work or just during the course of my travels. I see a lot of people down on their luck in the way of the impoverished, homeless, beggars, or obviously just those who don’t have a very good hand in life at the moment. One of the questions that always goes through my mind is this: “Did this man or woman really have it that badly in life? Or did they bring this circumstance on their self?”
I tend to believe more likely than not that people bring things on themselves. I know because I’ve made poor choices in the past that came back to haunt me later. But I also am cognizant of my poor choices, take inventory and analysis of them, and then try to press forward a better and more improved person.
The really sad part about this is that I see the same 3 or 4 beggars on the median on my way into Baltimore city every day. Not only do I believe that they have relegated themselves to this fate by the consequences of their own choices, but that they are resigned to stay in the same position by not changing what they have done and are doing to get there in the first place. I don’t know or judge these people for their character because I don’t know them and they seem to be content begging for money and basically just barely getting by on the pity of others. But I do know that there are many people far more capable than these “beggars” that aren’t too far from the same fate themselves.
A good friend of mine, who I have mentioned before on this blog, is the same way. This guy could have had the world at his fingertips. He had looks, was somewhat intelligent in school, and was very socially calibrated. But he wasn’t willing to put in the extra effort or commit to anything, drowned himself in alcoholism, and blames everybody but himself for his problems. I even tried to help him but he took the help just as a beggar would a quarter.
Think about that for a second. What happens when you give a beggar change? Are you really helping that person in ANY WAY whatsoever? In my experience, the answer is a big fat NO. A little back story to this: When I was a bit younger, any time panhandlers asked me for change I was about 50-50 on whether I’d give them some or not. Sometimes I would give them some, sometimes not. I didn’t like giving it to them, but if I felt generous in the moment and I had some spare change I would do it.
The turning point in me not doing this any more came in a moment of generosity. One day as I was walking out of a store, a panhandler approached me and asked me “Hey man, can I get some change?” I had a handful of change after just making some small purchase and figured I’d help the guy out. So after being charitable and giving the guy a little money, the next words out of his mouth shocked me. “Hey man, let me get a couple of dollars.”
I was seriously taken aback as I realized what had happened. By giving this loser a little money I had only taught him that he could successfully do nothing of value in this world, ask those who have to take pity on him and give a handout and then maybe even ask for a little more! I refused to give him any more money and I have refused to give money to beggars since that day.
Now back to my friend. He was much the same way as this wayward beggar. He would do next to nothing in the way of productivity, get into all kinds of trouble with substance abuse and the law, and ask for handouts when things got too sticky for him. Time and again people (including me) helped him, hoping that this guy who had so much potential would live up to it this time and turn his life around using their charity in the way of time, money, and energy as the springboard.
But in a vicious circle, all he did was use others, get in more trouble, and then come back with his hands out once again claiming hard times and blaming erroneous circumstances and other people for problems that he himself created. I haven’t talked to this guy in quite a while but I’m sure at this very moment he’s out there drinking his life away wondering where it all went when the answer looks back at him every time he’s in front of the mirror.
I am in no way saying that there are not people out there who have legitimately fallen on hard times. I KNOW that times are rough right now. I have another really good friend who’s had some difficult times himself. He hit me up for a small loan recently. But the difference between him and the other guy is that he’s motivated to do and achieve more and better things in his life. He knows the mistakes he’s made in life, hones up to them, and presses forward with a fresh resolve. These are the kinds of people I prefer to have in my life. The kind who appreciate help, use it to move forward and then can very possibly return the favor to you later on down the line when you may be the one down on your luck!
You may have noticed that I referred to the bum in my earlier story as a “loser”. That was no typo. He was a loser. Let me clarify that even further. If you are doing NOTHING to improve your life and are getting by solely by preying on the pity and good fortune of others, YOU ARE A LOSER. Wondering about the title of this article? This is what I’m referring to: Don’t be THAT guy! Don’t be a LOSER!
If your circumstances are bad don’t be afraid to ask somebody who is more fortunate than you for help, but also make sure that their help is not a waste! Any time somebody has helped me when I was down on my luck, I was personally so grateful that I would get fired up. I wanted to show this person that I appreciate them believing in me so much that their investment would not be in vain. Whether you think of it that way or not, that’s exactly what it is! Any time somebody thinks enough of you to help you with a favor, they are INVESTING in you. They are betting that you are going to take their help, come out strong and right the ship that is your life and be a better person for it. There is no greater insult to the people that care enough about you to help you out than to make a mistake, get into a troublesome predicament, then take their help for granted and go back to the behaviors that got you into trouble in the first place!
Once you do this too many times you start to become viewed as dead weight, and the people that were so generous and helped you before will become much more hesitant to help you again, if at all. I have watched it happen over time to my friend as I have witnessed it happen to many others. Where do you go when there’s no one left in your personal life to ask for help? My best guess would be to that median on the way into the city to play the numbers game. If you look pathetic enough to the right amount of good-willed and generous people, you are bound to scrape up just enough money to keep living your life as pathetically as you are content with, right? Don’t be THAT guy!
Here are a few points to take away from this article:
1. Live your life with character, motivation, and a true desire to get better and achieve what you want. Do not do just enough to scrape by, get into trouble, and then aimlessly beg for help from others that will be wasted.
2. If you do get into a tight spot, realize that it is completely by virtue of choices that you yourself made. Your being here right now is mostly if not completely, YOUR FAULT. Realizing that is a huge problem for most people. Take complete responsibility for your life right now. The good part of this is that you can take responsibility for the good things in your life as well. These are also because of actions you have taken. Think about how you got these results and try to apply the lessons to the troubled aspects of your life.
3. If you have to ask someone for help, let them know that their investment in you will not be in vain. Whatever strategy you had (or didn’t have) to get into that situation should change or stop altogether. Let the person you’re asking for help know that you know that you messed up, that you are really going to turn things around, and that you will be extremely grateful for their assistance. More importantly, MEAN what you are saying.
4. Once you have taken that person’s help, re-pay them somehow or at least try to. Help them in return, pay them back borrowed money, or just continue to show them how much their help really turned things around for you. Do not waste somebody else’s precious resources and then come back asking for more because you can’t or won’t change the way you do things.
I hope that for some of you this article has really opened your eyes. Every one of us has asked for help or given it at some point. If you are asking somebody for help over and over while doing nothing to become independent and help them in return, you are a waste of space on this planet. Either change by letting that person know you are worth the investment or at least have the dignity to spare your loved ones the burden of having to nurse an adult and take your begging ways elsewhere. If you are a person that is usually on the helping side of things, take a long hard look at yourself too. Is the same worthless friend or family member coming back to you over and over for the same self-perpetuated problems and expecting you to clean up the mess? It’s time to give them some tough love and cut the umbilical cord. Stop investing in those that don’t deserve your help and start investing in those that do. It’s a tough process but either this person will change enough so that they will become worthy of your help or they’ll flounder off to someone else in an attempt to drain their resources. Either way your life will become more enriched as a result.
I love the old saying, “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.” It’s about time that we start giving a little less, and teaching a little more.
10 Ways PUAs and Pickup Theory Can Improve Your Life
I have been a fan of pickup theory and social dynamics since those first hormones hit as a teenager and I wanted to know how to increase my success with women. Back then it seemed like some magical way to interact with women and see more success in relationships. As I have gotten older, I realize that it is not magic but just common sense.
Many people bash the so-called “pickup and seduction community” without really knowing much about it. It’s unjustly called manipulation, trickery, and hypnosis; all of which imply that women are helpless victims to sleazy pickup artists. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Women are always in control and very much so have the power of choice at all times. The reason that men seem to take off and start to get success in their dating lives after learning and applying pickup is for one predominant reason only: pickup and seduction theories teach a massive amount of personal development. This makes a man more attractive and therefore much more likely to attract a female.
For the most part, it teaches men that are a little less socially and emotionally agile to become more skilled in these areas, which are usually lagging far behind the social skill and prowess that many women possess naturally.
I mention mostly men, but there are also many women that study pickup theory to benefit their own lives. In addition, most women who witness men putting pickup theory into action usually realize that not only should it not be deemed sleazy, but encouraged. When it comes down to it, it’s just a way of getting really good at basic social skills: meeting new people, forming new friendships, flirting, and building relationships.
I love pickup because it teaches constant self-improvement and consciously choosing to make yourself a more attractive and well-rounded person. Is there really any other way to live your life and get ahead?
Here are 10 things about pickup in theory and in action that I feel have helped tremendously in my own personal development:
1. It teaches you to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. How are you ever going to accomplish anything if you are always inside? You have to come out at some point to go places, meet people, and LIVE LIFE. Believe it or not just doing this alone can really boost your social and dating life.
2. You become a more social being. How many times have you gone out and not talked to a single person you didn’t know? I’ve had problems with being too introverted in the past, but every time I go out now I expect an adventure. I generously talk to strangers. I may meet the most interesting person I’ve ever met, learn something new, or make an awesome new friend just because I went out and randomly started talking to somebody on a particular night.
3. You lose any social anxiety or fear you may have had. On the tail of the last one, the key to becoming a social person is losing any fear or hang-ups you may have had about being more social in the first place. To many people, approaching a group of people you don’t know can be as terrifying as public speaking (because in a way, that’s exactly what it is!). Getting over this fear is a very liberating experience for most people.
4. You learn how to improve your physical attractiveness. A lot of men (and women!) are just a few small touches away from being very good-looking. They just don’t know how to present themselves. Pickup doctrine gives many tips and tricks to improve your looks: grooming, dress, hygiene, physical fitness, and posture are just a few.
5. You also learn how to be more attractive by developing and conveying your personality. Storytelling is probably the most important skill covered here. A big complaint about the pickup community is that they teach memorize stories and routines. In reality, this is just a way of giving shy guys who have no clue what to say to a group of people something interesting to talk about. The learning lesson is in breaking down why the stories or routines are good and applying the format and building blocks to your own life and making your own stories more interesting. This subject could very well warrant its own article from me in the near future.
6. You are taught to pursue your dreams and be what you really want to be. Who is more attractive? The guy who has given up on his dream and works the office job he hates or the guy who is passionately pursuing an acting career even though he hasn’t broken through or had real success yet? I’d be willing to bet that the latter can speak with more passion and enthusiasm about what he’s doing than the former. Passion and enthusiasm about what you do are very attractive qualities. Nuff said.
7. You become a master of reading social cues. This is one of my favorite subjects. Body language, language patterns, verbal jousting, flirting, and many other subtle but VERY IMPORTANT ways that humans communicate with or without words are covered here. More importantly you begin to understand sub-communication. I can usually read by a woman’s body language alone if she’s interested, attracted, bored, or cold to me and what I’m saying within the first couple of minutes of meeting her. I couldn’t have said this with confidence ten years ago. And this is just one example.
8. You learn the importance of inner game. Much more important than outer game, inner game is the process you take to really build your self-esteem and confidence. You learn to like yourself for who you are and really see the value that you can bring to others lives. For many people, a lack of confidence and self-belief is one of the biggest stumbling blocks they have to achieving ANY thing in their lives, let alone social and dating skills.
9. You learn how to handle rejection and failure. In making any attempt to learn social skills and approach people for the first time, there will be stumbling blocks along the way. There can be plenty of rejection, especially in the beginning. Pickup theory teaches that this should be reframed or viewed from a different perspective. Instead of an approach gone bad being referred to as a “crash-and-burn”, it’s called a “crash-and-learn”. The thing to realize is that nobody can possibly reject your value and worth as a person off of your approach alone. They simply reject the approach itself. The importance of this attitude is vital to someone trying to develop any skill in life, especially social skills. The results of any approach, good or bad, should be considered feedback. Learn from them all and try to repeat the process, improving each time.
10. Life becomes more fun! It’s so much more fun to go out and meet new people as often as possible instead of hum-drumming around the house EVERY night. Each night you go out becomes an adventure. That new social circle or special someone is out there just waiting for you to approach and show them how awesome you are. It’s up to you to get out there and do it.
Clark
Weather the storm and Reap the Rewards
I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend! I sure did. I went to upstate New York, relaxed, played some tennis, got some sun, and went out to a few night spots in the Syracuse area. I was pretty tired from the travel but I really enjoyed it and I feel refreshed.
You may have noticed how I mentioned an employment opportunity that was re-presenting itself in an earlier post. I’m happy to say that I have now accepted the job and will start next week. Many of my other ventures are also looking up as I learn, apply, and refine my approach to doing things. I feel very optimistic and invigorated to push myself towards more success in all areas of my life. I still intend to post to my blog and work on my other ventures as often as possible, so I don’t see this job as a roadblock to my passion but only as an enhancement. In not so many words, things are going really well for me right now. Prosperity appears to be flowing in from all directions.
I couldn’t have said that last month. I was going through a rough patch in all areas of my life, especially my wealth area. I’ve gotten to where I am right now by persevering through the rough times. I’m sure if you’re reading this you can relate. One of the best pieces of advice my father gave me (I might even say it was the best) when I was having a bad day or stretch was this: “No matter how bad today is, just get through it and go at it again tomorrow. It will all be better tomorrow.” No matter how much of his advice I may have dumped in favor of my own methods and ways of doing things, I have always come back to this one. Its truth and power are universal. I know how many of you are probably saying “Well what if tomorrow isn’t better? What if tomorrow is worse than today?” This is the part where you repeat that line and keep going.
I have had some awful periods in my life. I’ve had some times where things were down right painful and nasty sometimes. I’ve had bouts of illness, family problems, poverty, relationship troubles, and all kinds of other bad times where I just didn’t know what road life was leading me down. Following this advice and repeating that line to myself (even when I didn’t want to say it or even believe it) has gotten me through my troubles time and again. Not only that but once out the other side of my trials and tribulations, I noticed that my outlook seemed to be better and brighter than ever before.
This is the cycle that life throws you. You will have some good days and some bad days. You’ll have to accept both. An important thing to remember is to appreciate the good days and stay optimistic during the bad. You also have to stay hungry and focused on what you want during both. Don’t get lazy during prosperous times and discouraged during a drought. This is an easy road to nowhere.
There is a pain period that comes any time you are trying to achieve a lofty goal. It’s the pain that comes with disappointment, failure, setbacks, losing, rejection, and anything that puts you behind the curve on your way to the top. We all know how it feels to lose the big game, be rejected by the opposite sex, get hit with an unexpected expense, or get sick at exactly the wrong time. These are examples of the pain period. Life could not seem worse at these moments. How you handle these pain periods in your life determines the rewards that life will give you in return.
Are you the type of person who coasts through these times discouraged, down on yourself, and not making a conscious effort to fight your way back out and back onto the road you choose? If so then the answer on how to improve your life lies in that very question.
An example from my life is easily the way things have been for me these past few months. Money has been low and doubt has been high. I actually handled it pretty weakly the first month or so. After some low and lower points, I started to get motivated and dream about some of my goals again. I started imagining how happy it would make me to do the things I want to do, to pursue the projects I want to make a reality in my life. I became determined to pursue my goals and dreams during this time, no matter how hard things were. This blog was born of that passion, as was a renewed drive to go after some of my other internet ventures that I had lost focus on. I am still going through the pain period for these now. But I have seen even the smallest signs of growth already and that is encouraging me to push forward with more fire and determination than ever. I have big dreams and lofty aspirations for this blog and every thing else I am pursuing right now and that is what drives me to learn and get better EVERY day of my life.
This is a small example, but one that you can easily look at and relate to. What is plaguing you in your life? Health, Wealth, or Relationships? Personal Development? Have you set a goal and it seems like you are walking through quicksand to get to it? This is common. This is where the power of persistence comes in. I titled this article the way I did because it is a very accurate metaphor.
Imagine yourself in a boat on a long journey. You are making your way through what seems to be a vast and almost endless ocean. A huge storm sets in with no sign of letting up. Your boat is rocking and being beat about like an afterthought. You may even capsize a few times. You may lose the boat. What will you do to complete your journey?
I can tell you what 99% of everybody on this planet does. They give up. They turn back, or even worse; they drown. It’s the 1% who toughs it out, who will flip the boat over and get back in, or even swim through that ocean if they have to, who see all the rewards in this world. They make it through the storm and see how sunny it is on the other side and realize that things weren’t that bad to start with and, had they just given up and not fought through it they would not have made it to their destination. This gives them all the courage and motivation they ever need to continue to fight through these storms time and again for the rest of their lives, daring the storm to keep someone who will not be denied from their destination.
Some points to remember as you approach the storms in your life:
1. Remember that it’s always sunnier on the other side. Things can seem very difficult and they are, but don’t get discouraged. Do anything and everything to stay motivated during these times. Surround yourself with SUCCESS and let your drive and persistence handle the rest.
2. Once you’re in the clear, don’t get complacent and think that it’s over. You can’t rest on your laurels. You just handled a challenge in your life, overcame it, and now you are reaping the rewards. Enjoy this time briefly, but don’t lose your focus to keep on going. This is a time to celebrate, but not a time to settle.
3. Once you are the king or queen of your mountain, plant your flag and do what you must to STAY there. The only thing harder than getting to the top is staying at the top. If you don’t have people gunning for your #1 spot, then sometimes you might even sabotage yourself. Remember all those obstacles you’ve cleared to get to where you’re at. Appreciate what you’ve learned from those times and let that pain drive you to succeed and accomplish even more.
4. When things start to go bad, remind yourself that it’s just a cycle. This is LIFE. There are predictable and repeatable patterns to it always. It doesn’t matter how much technology is developed or how much things change. It doesn’t matter if you have money, are in great shape physically, and have tons of great friends. You will have cycles of prosperity followed by cycles of challenges and/or obstacles. This is the way things always have been and always will be. The good news is that if you approach your challenges correctly, then the cycles of prosperity can grow immensely each time you overcome the tough spots.
When all else fails, go back to the best piece of advice my father ever gave me: “No matter how bad today is, just get through it and go at it again tomorrow. It will all be better tomorrow.”
Be the captain of the ship that is your life, weather your personal storms, and make it to that tropical paradise on the other side. I’ll see you there.
Clark
